.weep.

i know she is in pain. she never fails to complain about the pain her knees are giving her after she returns from work everyday. she has visited many doctors, both from the western and chinese medical fields. she takes her medicine diligently. she exercises regularly. she wears knee guards to work to support her knee while she is standing. this helps to minimize the pain (as quoted from her) as she does not have to exert too much pressure on her knees.

it has been a long time since i last saw her cry. unfortunately, it happened tonight. she has been a strong woman. i believe that she will always be one. i am thankful for all her hard work she has done for the past 18 years of my life. i do not know how am i supposed to do to lessen her pain. she is always there for me when i am sick. she knows me inside out and knows when is the time to talk to me and when is the time to leave me alone. but right now, i am clueless on what i should do to lessen her pain. i guess it is in the Asian culture that i do not express my love for her very openly. i do not run into her arms, kiss her on her cheek and say 'i love her' everyday. however, i seriously want her to know that she has been and will always be the most important woman in my heart. she is not alone in this whole damn thing. she shall not blame herself or her fate for anymore mishaps because i am with her. i will not make her cry a single tear anymore. i shall be a good girl for today onwards. please, give me the strength to carry on.

"i will be good"

.losing it.

i am losing it
but i need to force myself
to keep it going
have the faith
i must not fail
i cannot afford to lose it once more

life has many choices. many a time, we need to decide how we want to live. will i choose to take this path if i am given a second chance?

"questioning leads to better understanding"

.1610.

i stared at the keys i placed on the table top. i could not help but to feel nervous for them. i was in their shoes a year ago. i understand their strong anticipation to know the results. generally, it is a lie if none of them do not want to be a leader.

my seniors stayed out late through the second night and came out with 5 different combinations. they had the main 7 people and the difference among the combinations was the job allocated to each of us. on the last day, it was judgement day. though the 7 of us came from different backgrounds, we had the same objective in mind, to serve and lead the club. when i went out there to recieve my keys, my term had started.

one thing i love about the 12 of us is we are very easy going. we will try our best to help each other whenever we can. zhihui: personlly, i think she worries about the club the most until she had nightmares about camp games and the camp venues for the activity at night. weeleng: thanks for all your lame jokes. xiaozhi: (TO is very important) she introduces the cookies song to the club. samuel: samuel, you rock! our famous bear and good guy. jingya: our ever-caring treasurer who occassionally buys drinks for the crew doing the event. yefan: another contributor to all the lame jokes in PA. dingod: your famous line " i am just curious ... ". xueli: our favourite CJ hippo and my twin who cannot stop laughing and loving the song "loney". juncheng: our self-owned sister and chenapok and my dearest ACCO who had helped me alot during times when events swam to us like a tidal wave. jiayong: someone who always argue with me in PA. =) xuyu: slient leader. thanks alot guys for working with me during my term.

i cannot measure my performance as a CCO. i cannot judge if i had done sufficient for the club. but for all i know, i had tried my best to upkeep the excellent job my previous CCO had done. hopefully, i did not disappoint anyone during my term. we all had tried our best.

it was officially over at 1610 on 16 june 2005, thursday. i had become an ex-member of the club. PA has never been my top priority between the 2 CCAs. i guessed it maybe true to a large extent that "once a guide, always a guide". i had built my undying love and passion for RV guide duirng my stay in RV as a student and it is still hard for me to let it die down. anyway, i had never felt so much for PA until today when i officially stepped down for duties. i could find my own identity and a sense of belonging in it though they nicknamed me the "no man land" today. no more easier access to the controls. no more hang-outs in the hall control after school. no more events. no more rehearsals. no more late nights. no more training. no more messing around with the equipment. everything has ended. now, we can only hold on strong to our faith that our judgement is correct and the present committee will work as a team and like what mr fazial said, "let PA flourish".

"let the memories stay with us forever"

.messy entry.

i cannot think of a title for this entry. i have been squeezed dried for ideas. it's weird to blog without a focus like a title because i can go in circles and talk about many thing. the result is a big MESS!

slacking day. i am not in the mood to do anything except to idle around. i had the greatest shock of my life when i woke up at 1430. 1430??!!!! i am damn right about me being a heavy sleeper. =) i was so hungry that i wanted to eat the milk powder, drink some water and let the powder and water mix together in my stomach. it did not happen because i found it a rather disgusting thing to do. how could i think of it in the first place? arGH!!

i was too lazy to go downstairs to buy lunch (as usual) and cooked some instant noodles. woah... karen actually cooks. haha... yupyup. but my cooking skills are limited. my parents always nag at me to learn how to cook from them so that i can take better care of myself and in the future, my family because they are strong anti-outside-food-ers. they always complained that outside food (the term they used to describe food sold outside our house) to be unhealthy, oily, low nutrition value and blah blah. that's why they always make an effort to cook at home unless there is unforeseen circumstances such as they have to attend a dinner. =) i am so fortunate. i guess it is in my family's blood to be very picky with food. it is espesically true for my brother, mum and i. furthermore, my brother and i have similiar liking for food. yummy!!!!

i wonder how does it feel like to have a younger sibling? i am the youngest. =) many always said the youngest is the parents' favourite child and the most spoilt of all. the youngest is the least sensible, most playful, least responsible, least obedient, hardest to control, most rebellious. stop sterotyping!!! i think the youngest is always on the receiving end of everything. when he/she cannot get what he/she wants, he/she would cry, throw his/her temper to get his/her way through. in a siblings argument, no matter the youngest is right or wrong, the parents would usually end the argument by saying, "as the older one, you should give in to your younger siblings". see, the youngest always have what he/she wants easily. could it aid in the development of the youngest not treasuring what he/she has in the future?

oh yeah! i am feeling better now. just a little bit of coughing here and there. i will be good and continue to take my medication or else jac nurse will chase me with a syringe. hahaha... thanks for all your concern. =)

"you hardy treasure it when you gte it easily"

.disgusting.

you do not sound like THE karen i know

ya... whatever. i have lost my voice. it could be due to the sorethroat i have. =( so please do not call me and add on to my sufferings!!!

i thought i will feel better on tuesday night since i had the energy to blog the previous entry in the afternoon. but i was sooooo wrong!!! the pain was so unbearable that i could not focus to do anything except to lie on my bed with a icy cold towel on my forehead. i was in that position for the whole afternoon. arGH!!!! i could not take it anymore and decided to visit a doc at night.

after visiting the doc, i came home and i was HUNGRY!!!! i did not eat anything for the whole day except for a pathetic bowl of porridge. =( so i opened the refrigerator and grabbed some papaya to eat. then i started to feel nauseous. my vision could not focus. my legs were shaking. in my fastest speed, i dashed to the toilet, opened the toilet bowl, and BLAH!!!! i vomitted papaya. yucks!!!! papaya juice anyone?

he prescribed 3 medicines for me. one is for cough (liquid form), the other is for fever and headache (pills) and the last one was for my throat and antibotics (pills). argH!!! i hate taking medicine. i am sick of popping the pills into my mouth everyday. they are soooo big and i hate it when they start to dissolve in my mouth before i can swallow them. the bitter taste is disgusting!!!!

now, i cannot taste anything i eat. they taste bland and there is a strong medicine taste lingering in my mouth. i tried to eat sweets to get rid of the it but it's useless=( no chocolates till i recover. how sad. that's my favourite comfort food.

so, please take good care of your health!

my mum's birthday is coming soon. =) so excited. did i mention before that i love birthdays? well, going to get her a present tomorrow alone. well, i hate to go shopping alone but i guess everyone is busy preparing for the mid years and i do not want to trouble anyone.

what's for lunch tomorrow??? hmmm...

"health is a priceless gift"

.rotten luck.

i have been very unlucky yesterday and today.

last night, i felt my throat was very itching. it was so horrible that i had to clear my throat everytime before i speak and i drank like tons of water last night. however my throat did not get any better. i could sense a sorethroat coming. bingo! hit on the nail. why am i not as clever and sharp to spot exams qns as well? argH! worse still, i was having a headache and my forehead feels slightly hot. something is pressing hard against my haed. ouch!!!! terrible!!! what did i do? i only went swimming yesterday.

yesterday's swimming trip was not fruitful at all. when i reached the swimming complex, the sky was slightly covered with dark clouds. argH! no sun = no tan. =( half of the deep pool was out of bounds to the public because there was a swimming lesson going on as the students had to swim laps after laps. besides, there was another life saving lesson happening at the public site. argH!!! some had to trap water at the 1.8m deep side and wait for his buddy to rescue him. it's super irritating because i do not want to crash with them so i can only swim across to the other side everytime they finish a set. so can you imagine how man pathetic laps i swam yesterday. and also, there are some children at the deep pool and they just could not stop talking. so noisy! and there was this little boy who absolutely liked jumping into the pool and splashing water on the nearby swimmers. well, the nearby swimmers included me as well. =) i was pissed off and could not tolerate the nonsense anymore and left the complex after swimming for around an hour.

so, the lesson learnt is not to go swimming in the evening. go in the morning when many are still in bed. try to aviod the pool during the holidays because there will be alot of children. and finally, check the weather forecast beforehand.

who is the most difficult people to handle on earth? hmm... i think it is the children. they are hyper active which makes it harder for them to stay still. they are very curious beings so they will start asking questions and more questions on why is it like this? how does this thing work? what will happen if? ya, the list of questions just go on. they can be very fussy and picky people because they will only like something or do something in their own way. if not, they will start to whine, cry and make a big fuss out of nothing. maybe i used to be like this. i really admire these parents who have the patience and love to control these kids and teach them the way of life step by step. i wonder if i will succeed like these parents in the future because i am one with no patient at all.

going to take a shower and hopefully it will bring down the sizzy hot body temperature of mine.

"let's move it move it"

...HOT...

i think i am crazy. this is my second time blogging in a day. omg.. the weather is seriously hot and humid!!!! argH!!! i am sweating like hell while typing this entry. maybe by chance, i can flood my balcony with my sweat. YUCKs!!! (some backgrd information: my com is in the balcony) i was DELIGHed when i saw lightning and heard thunder when i switched on my com. woohoo... let's do the rain dance together. i was not as pissed as before when my mum asked me to do household chore such as closing the windows now.

i want to hear the raindrops tapping against the windows. i want to feel the rain again. i love walking in the rain though my mum always nags at me for not using the umbrella if it rains when i am out. actually i do not bring umbrella out at all. maybe i will, like once in a blue moon. i am plain lazy. everytime i meet with some problems, a shower or just splashing some water on my face will allow me to see the problem in a better angle and ta-da! the problem will be solved just like that. =) haha.... how magical water is. maybe it has something to do my horoscope since i am the water bearer. besides, i love swimming. =D

i have been having dreams almost every nights recently. that's scary because i do not have dreams very often. i am a heavy sleeper!!!! everytime the dream ends, it's time for me to wake up because it's LUNCH time. haha...

"stop, think, solve"

...it didn't...

it didn't happen. we do not blame her for that. it's not her fault that it had to turn up to be in this way. i don't know how to comfort her. i just hope she will take good care of herself. =)

i was planning to go swimming but the weather was not very bright and sunny. =( how sad...

"praying silently"

...cant wait...

i am meeting my closest girlfriends tomorrow at liting's house. =D i cannot wait to see them because it has been quite sometime since we last met. i guess we last saw each other was a few months back when we had our dinner at a low-quailty-food restaurant at cineleisure. i am showing them my class photos tomorrow. haha... cannot wait to see her expression. oops.... guess they will start to roll on the floor when they see the informal shoots, especially the one in which the guys attempt to act cute and the girls try to act tough.

we do not have any plans on what to do tomorrow but i am sure the time will be well-spent. catch up with one another, eat junk food while watching TV, .... it is not the activity we are involved in that matters, it is the company. =)

i am very thankful that our individual paths crossed one another a few years ago. it will be my tenth year knowing fang and seventh year knowing liting next year. woah... how time flies. we have been through alot together. they are always there for me during my toughest times, in secondary 3 and year1. i know i can always depend on them. =) i know i sound naggy and at times fierce as according to liting but i just want the 3 of us to receive the best of everything. i know i sound selfish by saying this but it's human nature that we want to leave the best for our loved ones. let's hope this friendship will go on and on... =)

sometimes, i wonder how many people around me knows the true me? haha... why am i getting so emotional tonight?

"understanding measures closeness"